No Coffee For You!
by Hisa-Ai
Summary: It's the morning after Nick and Jess almost have sex and all Winston wants to know is... Who broke Schmidt's aquarium and why did HE have to clean it up? But after starting an argument between the two love-birds, he may never get his answer. "Uh... um... Nick did it!"


**So who out there has been loving these last few New Girl episodes? I mean, after that first kiss, things just kept getting better and better... And _funnier_. Like, seriously, the last couple of new episodes have been hilarious as shit - or is it just me? Ah, anyway, you guys obviously saw Tuesday's episode, and if you haven't yet, then I would suggest watching it before reading this fic through, mainly because it's an awesome episode, but also partially because you might be a little confused if you haven't seen it yet.**

**If I can go off topic for one second, I've shipped Ness since episode one, so to see them _this close _to being in a relationship makes me all giddy and happy and anxious and pissed all at the same time. Just... ugh! The _feels_ this ship gives me...!**

**Okay, back on topic. After watching the episode, I started thinking and thinking leads to writing, so I sat down and wrote this yesterday afternoon. This is just one of the many versions of what I think happens the morning after they almost have sex. Because I can't believe they expect us to wait until next Tuesday to see what happens next after _that_. I just... Oh my God, I could go on _forever_, but it's almost five in the morning here and I really ought to get to bed soon, so I won't bore you anymore.**

**Just enjoy the story people.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own New Girl. If I did, Nick and Jess would have had sex by now and would be _such_ a couple that they kick every other couple's ass. I may need more sleep than I thought I did...

* * *

It was nine-thirty Saturday morning, but instead of the usual sound of the TV blaring either the local news or Saturday morning cartoons – depending on who was able to snag the remote first – and the smell of breakfast being cooked – the smells from Schmidt's famous bacon and eggs tangling with Jess' herbal tea, the coffee, and freshly washed bodies – and the idle morning chit-chat of roommates who'd just dragged their bodies out of the shower or bed filling the air, the loft was just... _silent_.

The TV was off, there was no breakfast being cooked, no coffee or tea on to boil, there were no showers being taken, there was just Winston, sitting at the kitchen table nursing a sole cup of instant coffee he'd made in the microwave not too long ago. It was disgusting, but if he made a whole pot of coffee then Jess and Nick would help themselves to it, and they _damn sure_ didn't deserve any coffee this morning, not after the sight he'd come home to the night before after leaving Schmidt at the hospital, as the doctors wanted to keep him over-night for observations. And it was a damn good thing they had, too; if Schmidt had come home to the sight of power tools all over the floor and his very expensive aquarium smashed to pieces... Well, he just might have had a heart attack, or at _least_ a mini-stroke or something. And then, after calling 9-1-1, he would have dragged Nick and Jess out of bed, and the time between then and the ambulance getting there would have been worse than hell on Earth for the two of them.

So, they were _lucky_ it was just Winston who came home that night and saw the mess.

They were _lucky_ Schmidt was due home that afternoon and Winston didn't feel like sending him back to the hospital and had therefore cleaned up their mess for them.

They were _lucky_ he _bought it_ when he ducked into each of their rooms and they pretended to be asleep so they wouldn't have to face him just yet.

They were _lucky_ he had already come up with a story to _explain_ the aquarium to Schmidt, because he was _sure_, whatever their reason was, it wasn't something they felt like explaining too many times.

And _he_ would be _lucky_ if they told it _once_, but damnit if once was all it was going to take; he was getting that story out of them by nook or by crook, come hell or high water. They were _not_ getting out of this, not after he'd spent _hours_ cleaning up that damn thing...

And the burning desire to know just what the hell happened and the rage caused by _having_ to clean it all up boiling in his veins was more than enough to keep him sitting there, drinking that crap-ass coffee for the next fifteen minutes until the guilty parties in question came stumbling out of their rooms and into the kitchen, walking past Winston at his station at the table, Nick looking for coffee – the heroin of the _Gods – _and Jess looking for her tea – the essence of the Buddha. They said casual morning greetings to Winston and one another on their way through, each of them still half-asleep, their drink of choice meant to finish the job for them.

When they got to the teakettle and coffee pot, however, and found them cold and empty, they rubbed their eyes and turned to Winston, both utterly distraught and disappointed in their zombie-like states. The rule was that whoever was up first always put the coffee and teakettle on to boil. Or else shit got really _real_ really _quick_.

"No coffee?"

"No tea?"

They asked at the same time, slowly sobering up to the morning air and sunlight. If they had been completely aware and awake, all their senses reacting properly, and had their reflexes not been slower than usual due to just waking up, they just might have put everything together and made their escapes, but they had just rolled out of bed; they were as good as helpless.

And Winston was going to use that to his advantage.

"Nope. Now sit down. Both of you." he told them, standing up and gesturing for them to sit. They looked at one another, Nick raising his eyebrows and Jess blushing before taking their seats, shrugging slightly at the whole situation.

"Now then," Winston sat his cup of nasty-ass coffee down and clapped his hands together loudly, making the pair jump slightly. "Would either of you like to tell me _why_ I came home last night from the hospital – where our _friend_ and _roommate_ is currently at – to find _said_ friend's extremely expensive aquarium smashed to bits and power tools and water all over the floor?" he demanded, watching their faces as the situation sank in. Both of them looked surprised as their faces contorted into different shades of red and nervousness, awkwardness and embarrassment, and a bit of a smirk on Nick's part, which meant that whatever they had to say for themselves was sure to be, well, _good_. Or entertaining, at the very least. At least the shock of being confronted like this had them jolting awake even more quickly, if not entirely.

"Oh! Uh... um... Nick did it!" Jess said suddenly, biting her lip and refusing to make eye contact with Winston's questioning gaze.

"'Nick did it'?" Nick quoted, looking at her sideways, eyes wide in indignation and frustration at her accusation. "What the hell do you mean 'Nick did it'? You were there, too!"

"Yeah, but _you_ broke it!"

"On _accident_! I was just trying to clean the damn table off but _you_! Ugh, you were making me _so_ _angry_!"

"No one told you to clean off the table, _Nick_! You were doing that on your own!" Jess hissed back. Winston rolled his eyes and walked over to the coffee pot then, he would let them argue about it for a bit while he put on a pot of coffee for himself, screw that janky instant crap; he didn't even know _why_ they had it since no one ever drank it. After he got some _good_ coffee in him, he'd start in on them again and get the full story. But only _after_ he got some liquid heroin in him. That was the most important thing here, getting his coffee.

"I was only doing that because you wanted to have sex with me!" Or... maybe the coffee could wait; _this_ just got interesting. Winston turned back around. Both Jess and Nick were on their feet now, arguing passionately and in each other's faces. It was as if Winston wasn't even there anymore; just the two of them and their, err, _conversation_.

"But no one said on the _table_!"

"It was _there_, I _wanted _you, you _wanted_ me, it was convenient and, you've gotta admit, it would have been _hot_." he chuckled, smiling suggestively.

Jess smacked him on the arm and stared at him like she wanted to say something, but instead, she bit her lip and blushed. The air was silent then, and Winston almost took the opportunity to break into the conversation and remind them that he was there, too, but before he could manage that, Nick leaned down as Jess threw her arms around his neck and the two started kissing madly, hands ruffling hair and squeezing things, their mouths doing a type of dance only known by the two of them. Winston was taken aback; when had _Nick_, of all people, become so bold?

Then, right on cue, Nick reached around the girl he was connected to and slid his hand across the table, sending the coffee cup shattering to the floor, spilling the coffee as the shards flew everywhere and made an ugly sort of crashing sound that made Winston cringe as he thought about what sort of sound the aquarium might have made when it was smashed the night before...

"I am _not_ cleaning that up." Winston stated as Nick picked Jess up and sat her on the table, still connected. Jess broke away and smiled at him in a meaningful way; the gesture probably meant something, but Winston was just too afraid to ask, truth be told; God only knew what kind of crazy-ass answer they would give him, anyway, _if_ they would even give him one, which didn't seem very likely, given the circumstances.

Jess grabbed Nick's face carefully and pulled him back to her, moans and kisses of pleasure coming from both of them. Shaking his head, Winston tried to decide just how long he should let this go on before interrupting the pair long enough to finally extract a complete answer out of them.

He had his answer, though, when Nick climbed up on to the table, pushing Jess down and slowly unbuttoning her pajama top, Jess' whole body heaving as his fingers brushed against her skin. Watching them make-out while he waited for his coffee was one thing, but he was _not_ about to watch them get it on on the table where they ate their food! Uh-uh, Winny didn't play that game!

"Hey! Knock it off, you two! Don't make me get a spray bottle out," he threatened, as if they were wild, lust-filled dogs or something, which, he thought to himself, they kind of _were_ at that particular moment in time...

Nick's head snapped up and his fingers froze. He had _just_ managed to get her shirt open so he could see her chest, but of course, he hadn't had a chance to actually _enjoy_ the view...

"Winston! Buddy! Forgot you were there..." he admitted awkwardly, looking down at Jess' deer-in-the-headlights expression. Unable to help himself, he leaned down and kissed her again, hand coming to rest under her head to pull her closer to him and make her a bit more comfortable. Winston was there, he was aware of that, and so was she, but... For some reason it didn't really matter to either of them. It wasn't like he would stick around to watch if they started getting too far, so... Ah, screw it! Nick didn't care anymore! All that mattered was Jess and her lips on his; Winston was merely part of the room, a piece of furniture, as far as Nick was concerned at the moment.

"Hey! I wasn't kidding, you two! Knock it off!" Winston repeated. Nick broke away once again and looked up, stars in his eyes as he was forced to consider Winston a person and not just a chair or toaster oven or something once again. He was too thrilled and enthralled with the girl beneath him to be annoyed at the constant interruptions, however, so he just grinned goofily at him, even though he didn't mean to.

"You say something, buddy?" he asked, as though he dry humped girls in front of him every day, which he, as a matter of fact, did _not_ do. Jess pulled him back down, kissing his neck as he tried to deal with their roommate, though Winston was _so not_ having a conversation like _that_, thank you very much. He rolled his eyes once again and wiped his hands on his jeans, as though trying to wipe off what he'd just seen along with the cooties he had just collected on his hands from being in the same room with the pair. No answer to _any_ sort of question was worth having to sit through watching _this_ little spectacle. He would just have to live with the fact that he might never get his answer unless he was willing to watch some _very_ dirty stuff, which he was _not_ willing to do. So he was _okay_ with never getting his answer. In fact, he was starting to regret even bringing it up in the first place...

"No, nothing. Okay, I'm just... I'm gonna go... pick up Schmidt, take him back to the ocean to release his Cece fish, and then bring him back here. And you two better not be on that damn table when we walk through that door; he'll circumcise you _both_ if you are. And clean up that cup you broke, Nick; I will not be cleaning up any more of your messes today." Winston insisted, leaving the room as quickly as he could.

Nick just shrugged and turned his attention back to Jess and her open blouse. Sex on the table _and_ he would have fresh coffee afterwards? Could his morning _get_ any better, he asked himself as he started kissing her again, one hand entangled in her hair while the other gripped her waist, fingers just on the edge of her pajama bottoms.

A moment later, though, before they could do anything other than kiss, Winston came back into the room and picked up the now full pot of coffee, holding it close to his chest as he spoke, "You guys are having sex on the table; you don't get coffee, too." he declared, briskly walking from the room with it. What he was going to do with a full pot of coffee, he didn't know, but he knew _Nick_ was not getting it. Not today.

Before he was out the front door, though, he called over his shoulder, not daring to actually turn around to face them for fear of what he might see, "And clean the damn table when you're done. With bleach. No, just _burn it_ when you're done; don't nobody wanna eat off that table now." he grumbled, just loud enough for them to hear, not even caring if any of the neighbors heard at this point. And then the door clicked shut behind him and the pair was truly alone in the loft for the second time in the last twenty-four hours.

Nick groaned at the loss of his liquid heroin, but when Jess started tugging at his shirt, he consoled himself, one out of two was definitely better than nothing.

Especially when _that_ one was _the _one.

* * *

**That ending was weak and we all know it, but lately I kind of suck at endings, so I suggest you just deal with it. **

**I'm hoping they don't seem too OOC here, but if they do, well, you can only assume _why_, now can't you?**

**Also, in case you didn't get it, the title is a play on that line from Seinfeld, "No soup for you!" You know, the Soup Nazi? I just couldn't help myself; I've always loved Seinfeld.**

**So I hope you enjoyed that! And, as always, be sure to let me know what you think!**

_Always,  
Hisa-Ai_


End file.
